We had planned to go to Odaiba for one of our Golden Week outings (Golden Week is a holiday week in Japan, which consists of three holidays, including Children's Day), but I spent most of the day crying and moping around the house instead.
I decided to fly to Taiwan to see her while I still could, to be there in case she woke up, and if not, I guess I'd be early for her funeral. It was difficult to decide how long to take off from work, especially since I'd just started two weeks ago. I thought, "What if I go now, when Grandma's just sick, come back to Japan, and then she passes away? I don't think I'll be able to take off work again for her funeral." But how much time would I need to know whether she was getting better and I could leave for Japan, assured of her health, at least for the time being? How long would it take for her to make the transition from serious illness to death, and how many days would it be until the actual funeral? It's hard to think about your family's health and mortality in such practical terms, but I had to decide how much time to take off from work and when my return flight would be.
Ah-gu (my mom's brother) picked us up from the airport and drove us to my dad's sister Han-si's store. From there, we went to her husband's restaurant to have dinner and were joined by her husband, two sons, and my other male cousin, whom I hadn't seen since 1989, and his girlfriend. Then we went to the hospital together.
It was hard to see my grandma hooked up to oxygen and feeding tubes. Her eyes were closed, and we tried talking to her, but she didn't respond. She wasn't responding when she was first admitted to the hospital, but my uncle said she was when he saw her earlier that day, so she must be sleeping. I didn't know what to think or feel except...bad...and sad. I had spent so much of my life resenting her, because my brother was always her favorite.
Every time she visited us, which was once every year or two for several years, then less often as she got older, she would bring us gifts. But my brother would get lots of them, and I got like, one. One time, I got a lipstick, and it wasn't even from her. It was from my aunt. But every time she needed someone to do something for her, she'd ask me and not my brother because he wouldn't help her. Then, she'd tell me, "What a good girl you are, helping your grandma." She'd also nag me about various things. I'd roll my eyes and one time, we even got into a yelling match, which, if you know Asian families, simply does not happen. You do not talk to your elders like that.
So I felt bad for having felt this way, having not treated her better, not having called her all those times when my dad told me to call her. Regret is such a shitty feeling.
I guess I should cut to the chase and say my grandma is doing much better. She is lucid, though confused sometimes about who people are, what she's done or will do, etc. For example, she said at one point, when I asked her, that I was her daughter, and other times, she simply couldn't think of my name (though when I asked if she knew who Raymond was, she'd say yes. Go figure). But at least she knows her own name now, and is referencing stuff from her own past, though she also makes up stuff too (but they may just be old memories). For example, when I saw her today around noon, she said she ate congee for breakfast (not true; she's been on a liquid diet since she entered the hospital) and that she went for a walk near the seaside (also not true; but again, these may have been things she used to do in the past).
It might sound inappropriate, but sometimes the things she says are funny. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's one of those "you had to be there" type of things. For example, when Aunt Han-si asked her (about another person in the room), "Do you know who this is? Whose daughter is this?", Grandma said, "Yes, I know. She's her mother's daughter."
Or, when my cousin Gah-ho (Ah-jim's elder son), asked her, "Who am I? What's my name?" she'd always say "Gah-shiang," which is actually his brother's name. Or she would say, while making an unsuccessful attempt to get out of bed, "I have to leave. I have to go water the crops," though she had a farm probably 60 years ago.
The doctors say that they're just waiting for the blood [clot, I think] in her brain to dissipate, then they can release her...maybe in a few more days. They're not sure what caused the blood [clot]; maybe she had fallen and hit her head. She had fallen many times as she had gotten older. I don't know what caused all those falls either.
What seemed to have caused her to fall unconscious and enter the hospital is possibly that there was a hole in an artery or blood vessel near her liver, so not all the toxins in the blood was getting filtered, and since she was taking a lot of medication and urine was building up in her body, the ammonia in her system was making her confused. She was in a coma for 3-4 days. She was admitted on April 30th. She seemed to be more lucid, energetic, and talkative after having a bladder/bowel movement.
So it was a huge relief, but it was very difficult to see her that way--so frail and helpless. There's a home aid type of person who's helping her change her diapers. My dad, Koko and I spent a day at the hospital--from 8 am to 7 pm--and had to change her diaper. I can't even describe how messy and difficult it was. My dad and Koko had to turn her over or hold up her legs (as one would a baby) so I could change her diaper and clean her, but it was extremely difficult since she's a lot bigger and heavier than a baby, and less flexible at that. Plus, she had these tubes connected to her that we had to avoid tangling or ripping out, and her poop was liquid. >_< I think we used like half a pack of baby wipes.
We had to call a nurse to help us. The nurses at the hospital don't really do anything except bring the liquid food and medicine, which the home aid or Ah-jim (my dad's sister-in-law) administers to her. But at least they'll help you if you really need it.
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Overall, it was a very good trip--Grandma's getting better...to about 80-90% of her condition before she was admitted to the hospital. I never had appreciation for her, but this trip changed things dramatically for me.
I got to see some of my cousins whom I haven't seen in 10-15 years, especially since when I go back, I go with my mom, and we stay at her mom's house and spend 99% of our time with her side of the family. One of my cousin's on my dad's side was like 7-8 years old when I last saw him. One of the few memories I have of him is of him being scared that our grandma was gonna whip him with a shu-seiyah (a small bunch of dried grasses) for misbehaving. And now he's 25 and running his own business in China.
Another cousin, Pei-ling, had gotten married and now has two kids, ages 7 and 9. I also got to meet my cousin, Gah-Shiang and his two sons, now in their mid-20s. I hadn't seen any of them in about 15 years. It's crazy when you see someone when they're little, and then again when they're all grown up.
On my mom's side, I got to see Cindy, Stella, and even their brother TJ (I don't know why that's his English name; I'd asked him, and I'm not sure he knew how to explain it to me, because his Chinese name isn't remotely close). Stella is getting married in August or September, in England, where both she and her sister live. But she's gonna have a reception in Taiwan too. Hopefully, I can make one of them--maybe the one in England. I've never been there before.
While Koko and I were on the train on the back to our apt from Narita airport, he checked his email and saw that his mom had emailed to say that her mother is sick, and that since she's very busy at work, Koko's dad is going to check on her. Then she emailed again to say that her condition had worsened and that she was gonna go see her. =T
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He just got off the phone with his parents, and apparently, his grandma had stopped eating and getting out of bed. They called a doctor, but he couldn't find anything physically wrong with her. Since she wasn't eating he took her off her meds for one thing, but let her keep up her heart meds regimen. Koko thinks that, whatever the reason why she stopped eating in the first place, not eating was probably making her feel weak and not want to get out of bed. His parents have been with her for almost a week now (they live 7 hours away by bus/train), and are not sure what to do with her but to stay for this week and see what happens.
Koko never had a good relationship with his grandma either (for different reasons), but it seems like he's gonna go through something similar to what I just went through. =T
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One of the first things I did after I'd heard about my grandma's condition was to read President Ikeda's guidance about life and death in "Discussions on Youth." In some ways, it was very depressing for me to read, since some of the questions were from youth who had already lost their grandparent and who regretted not having spent more time with him. At other times, I really appreciated the honesty and frankness of President's guidance. I don't think I'd ever read anything so honest.
Here are some of the things he wrote:
"How we view life--the perspective we have on life, on death, on the human condition--is the basis for everything.
Japan today is in deep darkness. It has reached a deadlock, as has much of the rest of the world. What is the root cause of this?
It is a distorted understanding of the fundamental question of life and death. Society's leaders and the majority of people have avoided thinking about this most important of issues, brushing it aside in the pursuit of immediate wants and desires. And we are now seeing the consequences of this negligence. Therefore, if we do not turn our attention to the fundamental issue of life and death, nothing will ever really change. No matter what superficial measures we may take, it will be comparable to trying to treat an illness with pain relievers without addressing the cause. Though our symptoms may temporarily ease, we are only deceiving our bodies, and we will not get better" (p. 376).
"Every one of us has a mission, a mission we were born to fulfill. that is why, no matter what happens, we must press on in life through all things. The Japanese word for mission means to use one's life. For what purpose do we use our lives? For what purpose have we been born in this world...?" (pg. 378).
